he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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