So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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