apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
