I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
