Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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