I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
