see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
