I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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