I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
