Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
