ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
