3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
