Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
