Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
