sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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