I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
