I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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