Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
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I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
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We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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