BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
