And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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