Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
