You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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