grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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