worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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