All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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