Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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