I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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