Cold hands, warm shart.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
