nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
