also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
