first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
