She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
