Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
