I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I will pee on everything he values.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
