my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
