I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
