you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
