I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out