Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight