; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
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Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
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Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.