Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays