dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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