my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
