Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Randomize
