So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
