The maid of honor just puked.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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