So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
