someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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