My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
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You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
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I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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