me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
