i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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