You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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