I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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