i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The Olympian is in my bed
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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