Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
