apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
