Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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