i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
