If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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