You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
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I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
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Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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