my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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